Conscious of my selfish unconscious

I know that when I give time to people, I give it freely to them without expecting anything in return. Yet, I inevitably feel sad when they don't notice the energy I used up.

It's sort of a cycle. I don't want them to notice and purposely make it look like I did it nonchalantly, but deep down I do want to be noticed. I wish I wasn't so selfish, then I wouldn't be having all these thoughts. Maybe the effort I put in is overshadowed by the far exceeding efforts and contributions of others. I guess I'm just a background prop in their life's play. Look at me being crestfallen and pitiful about my shortcomings and limitations.

I can't help feeling hurt, and it's pathetic. When can all these selfish thoughts of mine go away? It's really childish of me.

Probably the same way parents feel when their children take things for granted. Guess it's payback time for me.


oops. negativity again :P

Them Feels

Okay I just had to share this xD #christinagrimmie

Wow, this is the best experience ever, seeing someone's fails in retrospect after seeing their success. The keyboard-slamming especially, I totally get mad like her HAHA awesome. I can't believe someone so talented (insanely talented) can share the same frustrations as I do. (Talented, but I'm not disregarding the amount of work she put in to become so so so so so skilled. So skilled that posting about her here feels like an insult to her life story.) I know nobody is born a pro, but it only feels true when you see it with your own eyes. 

***

Yeah, just looking at her old videos. Feeling lousy for only knowing about her after her death.
It does feel very unfair and it is heart-wrenching. My friend is angry at the world because a guy killed his teenage crush. I just don't know what to say.  Does make one feel like, "that should have been me. What did she do to deserve this?"
The killer. We don't know him, we don't know what he went through, so we wouldn't understand. Am I too kind to a cold-blooded murderer? Or are we too judgmental to a victim of psycho-social events?
Security should have been proper. mm hmm
Not forgetting her brother's bravery, too.
Just letting my thoughts run.

God's in control. You can't define God or His plans based on your perspective. I can't see it but I trust that He had a plan in her life and even in her passing. He is able to make it into something beautiful.

Also, in my opinion, death can be better than life on earth.

Pepper Ration

Just this week there has been two shooting incidents that's publicized to the entire world (and there are tons more which I didn't know about, it was rather shocking gotta admit that). Instead of trying to imagine how the friends and families of the victims were coping, I imagined what would happen if it happened right where I am. When is it going to be our turn to get reality, by whatever means, shoved into our faces?

I feel like I'm in a dream. I see all these warning signs that God has placed for us to know that He is coming soon, yet I am still going at my own pace. I just can't keep up with life. 

This isn't an admit of defeat though. It's the start of more searching. The search for where God wants me to be at what time until the the day of my departure.

"Who knows God's purpose for your life?" A pastor once asked this question during a sermon, and I raised my hand without thinking. 'To serve Him,' I thought, as the usual, generalized answer came to mind. Then I realized I didn't know specifically what it was, and my hand started shaking a bit.
I trust that I am where am I supposed to be, but what exactly am I supposed to do? I've got to spend more time praying about it...

This is to all of you still trying to see where God is leading you: don't despair but rejoice in all the small steps you take to get nearer to His calling :) Maybe the time hasn't come yet. Maybe He wants to mold you more first.

"Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma. But immorality or any impurity or greed must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints; and there must be no filthiness and silly talk, or coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks. For this you know with certainty, that no immoral or impure person or covetous man, who is an idolater, has an inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not be partakers with them; for you were formerly darkness, but now you are Light in the Lord; walk as children of Light (for the fruit of the Light consists in all goodness and righteousness and truth), trying to learn what is pleasing to the Lord. Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them; for it is disgraceful even to speak of the things which are done by them in secret. But all things become visible when they are exposed by the light, for everything that becomes visible is light. For this reason it says, 'Awake, sleeper, And arise from the dead, And Christ will shine on you." Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil. So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. And do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord; always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father; and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.

from the book of Ephesians, chapter 5: verses 1 to 21

p/s: the shootings were horror events but I don't think there is anything more I can say that can do any help. I only feel terrible because these things are happening to others while I'm just living in comfort. More importantly, remember that God is in control, and if you commit your life to the Saviour then death on earth means eternal life in heaven. 

CoffeeTasteCopyPaste: Dear Teenagers

An article with a powerful message for all young people today. Thanks Aaron Chew for sharing it on fb. I didn't edit this, I didn't write this. All credits to John Piper.

***

A Call to Teenagers to Be Free
Article by John Piper

I am writing for the liberation of teenagers. I write to challenge teenagers to “live as people who are free” (1 Peter 2:16). Be wise and strong and free from the slavery of culture-conformity. To put it another way, I am calling teenagers to a radical, wartime lifestyle.

The Creation of “Teenagers”

As teenagers, you should know that the idea of “teenagers” was created only seventy years ago. The word “teenager” did not exist before World War II. Between children and adults, there was no such category of human being. You were a child. Then you were a young adult.

Just a hundred years ago, you would bear crucial responsibility at age thirteen on the farm or in dad’s business — or mom’s kitchen and weaving room. You would be trained for gainful employment, or domestic enterprise, by age seventeen, and would marry before you were twenty, and be a responsible husband and father — or wife and mother — by your early twenties.

This scenario is perhaps hard for you to imagine. And I am not saying we can go back to that era, or should want to. My aim is that you be liberated by the truth. The truth will set you free. The truth that you do not have to fit into the contemporary lockstep expectations put on you by your culture or your peers.

Very few teenagers have an awareness of history. That ignorance leads to a kind of slavery. Most teenagers are slaves of the expectations of their peers and of the big industries that market their fashion and music and technology and entertainment.

This slavery is so pleasant — and so consistently rewarded — that the possibility of being free from conformity to teen-culture rarely enters your mind. Being aware from history that other possibilities exist can set you free for radical “wartime living” in the name of Jesus.

What “Teenager” Meant Seventy Years Ago

In 1944, when “teen-age” was still hyphenated, Life magazine covered the new teen phenomenon. The article said,

There is a time in the life of every American girl when the most important thing in the world is to be one of a crowd of other girls and to act and speak and dress exactly as they do. This is the teen age.
This was not a very enviable beginning for the meaning of “teenager.” Things have not changed much in sixty years. A teenager wrote to my hometown newspaper:

Most of my friends often are not comfortable with what is popular, but we wear it anyway. Standing out is just not always worth the struggle. Society tells us to be different, yet mainstream.

How do you dress to please yourself, your parents, and your peers? You can’t. Teens end up compromising their values to fit in. If we intend to make it through high school, or even junior high, without being tormented, then we must dress to please our peers.

We are the up-and-coming leaders of this nation, and we must see what we have become and change. (Minneapolis StarTribune, November 16, 2002: A23).
It is not easy to be a Christian teenager. You desperately want to be liked. To be rejected by friends can feel devastating. But just like this young woman, you know deep down that living to be liked is slavery. And if you belong to Jesus, that slavery may be a torment worse than rejection.

What Does It Mean to Be Cool?

For many, being cool is everything. But what is cool? Is it really which phone you have? Or what movies you’ve seen? Or how strong or fast or handsome you are? Or the way your hair falls and your figure is shaped? You are not stupid. You know that living for such things is superficial and meaningless.

What is cool for a fourteen-year-old young man? I think what follows is a hundred times more cool than phones and clothes and movies and games. The year is 1945. World War II was still raging. Thousands of teenagers wanted to fight. The Battle of Iwo Jima was one of the deadliest — 6,800 American soldiers are buried on that tiny island, many of them teenagers.

Jack Lucas had fast-talked his way into the Marines at fourteen [in 1942], fooling the recruits with his muscled physique. . . . He stowed away on a transport out of Honolulu, surviving on food passed along to him by sympathetic leathernecks on board.

[At 17] he landed on D-Day [at Iwo Jima] without a rifle. He grabbed one lying on the beach and fought his way inland. Now, on D+1, Jack and three comrades were crawling through a trench when eight Japanese sprang in front of them. Jack shot one of them through the head.

Then his rifle jammed. As he struggled with it, a grenade landed at his feet. He yelled a warning to the others and rammed the grenade into the soft ash. Immediately, another rolled in. Jack Lucas, seventeen, fell on both grenades. “Luke, you’re gonna die,” he remembered thinking. . . .

Aboard the hospital ship Samaritan, the doctors could scarcely believe it. “Maybe he was too damned young and too damned tough to die,” one said. He endured twenty-one reconstructive operations and became the nation’s youngest Medal of Honor winner — and the only high school freshman to receive it. (James Bradley, Flags of Our Fathers, 174–175)

You Are Teenage Soldiers in a War

Knowing you are in a war changes what is cool. If your family is under attack, fretting about your clothes and your hair stops. There are more important things at stake. And we are at war. The enemy is stronger than the Axis of Germany, Japan, and Italy. Indeed, stronger than all human powers put together. The battle is daily. It is fought in every locality. And its victories and defeats lead to heaven or to hell.

Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. (Ephesians 6:11)

Fight the good fight of the faith. (1 Timothy 6:12)

Wage the good warfare. (1 Timothy 1:18)

The weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh. (2 Corinthians 10:4)

Share in suffering as a good soldier of Christ Jesus. (2 Timothy 2:3)

Abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul. (1 Peter 2:11)

What Is Really Going On?

Don’t be part of the blind, teenage masses who do not know what is going on. They think that to know the latest movie or iPhone app or hit song is to know what is going on. Those things are like cut flowers. Bright today, tossed out tomorrow. They are utterly insignificant compared to events that are shaping the course of eternity.

What is really going on is that people and nations are being enslaved by Satan or liberated by Christ. And Christ fights his liberating warfare through Christians, including teenage Christians.

But not through teenagers who are amusing themselves to death. The average teenager is so wrapped up in himself, and how he looks, and whether anyone likes him, that he makes a poor soldier. One of the great marks of the soldier in wartime is that personal comforts give way to the strategic mission. Soldiers may play cards the night before the battle, but when the trumpet sounds they lay down their lives.

The Battlefield of Money

Take the battlefield of money, for example. The trumpet has sounded. You are the soldier. The battle has begun. You may not feel rich, but you have lots of stuff. Your stuff threatens to strangle your soul by lying to you about how important and how satisfying it is (Mark 4:19). And the money you don’t have threatens to pierce you by creating a passion to be rich.

The Great General has sent you a personal message on the battlefield. It reads,

Those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs. (1 Timothy 6:9–10)
Does this call wake you up? Does it make you vigilant like a soldier on alert?

Then, along with the alert, he sends a great promise that he will not leave you stranded and alone in this battle:

Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” So we can confidently say, “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?” (Hebrews 13:5–6)
You are set free from fear and greed by this confidence: The Commander-in-Chief will not abandon me to perish on the field of battle. So look your enemies in the eye. Stare down covetousness and craving, and slay them with the Sword of the Spirit and with the superior pleasures of Christ: “I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord” (Philippians 3:8).

The Battlefield of Comfort

Or take the battlefield of comfort and ease. Almost all the forces in your life put you under pressure to maximize your comfort with the ease and softness of our age. But the Great General has sent you a message, as the enemy surrounds you. Remember the great warrior Moses! Fight like he did!

By faith Moses, when he was grown up, refused to be called the son of Pharaoh’s daughter, choosing rather to be mistreated with the people of God than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin. He considered the reproach of Christ greater wealth than the treasures of Egypt, for he was looking to the reward. (Hebrews 11:24–26)
O, there is reward for victories in this warfare! Yes, there is — beyond imagination! But the enemy wants you to think all the rewards are in this life. He has dropped propaganda leaflets behind the lines that read, “Heaven is a fairy tale. You are a fool to live for the reward of heaven and not the reward of comfort and ease in this life!”

But the Commander-in-Chief counters his propaganda at every turn with spectacular promises. No matter how hard the fighting is — no matter even if you die in his service — he will raise you up and give you the best pleasures forever.

“Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven.” (Matthew 5:11–12)

This light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison. (2 Corinthians 4:17)
In fact, the Great General has sent us word on the battlefield that he will not just reward us, but he will be our reward. “In your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore” (Psalm 16:11).

With this sword in our hand, we drive back the lying hordes of safety and ease and comfort and offer ourselves for Christ’s service in the most risky assignments.

The Battlefield of Ego

Or take the battlefield of ego and peer-approval. O, how powerful this enemy is! He has swallowed up more teenagers perhaps than any other adversary, even lust. He comes with horrible stories of how painful your shame will be if you do not conform to this world. He will lie to you, and say that the only alternative to the mood and fashion and music and movies and sexual pleasures of this world is utter humiliation and embarrassment.

The Great General sees it all. His walkie-talkie lights up with messages for his embattled teens. Do not be deceived. They say you will experience shame. No. No. It is they who play the futile game of trying to turn their shame into their glory. But you see reality for what it is. They do not. They “walk as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things” (Philippians 3:18–19).

They think all the fun lies with them. It is a fool’s fun — like a roller coaster that, at the most breathtaking moment, flies off the rails.

With respect to this they are surprised when you do not join them in the same flood of debauchery, and they malign you; but they will give account to him who is ready to judge the living and the dead. (1 Peter 4:4–5)
You are the ones who know reality. You know what lasts — what really satisfies. For them, all is grass and the flower of grass.

“All flesh is like grass and all its glory like the flower of grass. The grass withers, and the flower falls, but the word of the Lord remains forever.” (1 Peter 1:24–25)
Let the messages of the Commander sink in. Your identity is deeper and stronger and more durable and more glorious than any plastic veneer that your peers try to pressure you into. “You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body” (1 Corinthians 6:19–20). You are a treasured possession (1 Peter 2:9). You are a son or daughter of the Creator of the universe (Romans 8:16).

With these truth-daggers in your hand, slay the ghoulish lies of peer pressure that try to deceive you into thinking conformity is freedom.

Let None Despise Your Teenage Youth

We could go on with all the different kinds of battlefields you must fight on. But you get the idea. The enemy lies, and the Commander-in-Chief counters with truth. And the truth sets you free (John 8:32).

When the Great General says, “Let no one despise you for your youth” (1 Timothy 4:12), he means: Don’t fit into the stereotype of the aimless, careless, superficial youth. Break the mold. You belong to Christ. Show the world that there is another kind of teenager on the earth.

This teenager is not a leaf blown along with the wind of cultural trends. He is not a jellyfish floating with the current of the times. He is a tree that stands firm in the strongest storms. He is a dolphin who slices the waves against the tide. He is going somewhere.

Dream of being a kind of teenager that the world cannot explain. Maybe someday, if there are enough of you, they will invent a new name. And “teenager” will be a footnote in the history books.

***

Dear Father, help us pursue Your righteousness and Your will, help us to be strong and courageous in the face of temptation and persecution, and help us to persevere in all things big or small to be bearer's of Christ's image for as long as we live. 

Amen

Love

Oh no. This is the first time I'm writing about love.
Disclaimer: I'm not pointing a finger at anyone. I'm sorry if this post might not be nice to read or may have wrong information or wrong presumptions.

***

Do you think love is a feeling? It is always said that it is. I don't think that's all. If you romantically love a person because they are the person who fits you the best, understands you the most, has been there for you the most, sacrificed for you the most, clicks with you best (probably can go on forever)...that's good. That's definitely good. But I think there's a loophole if that's all love is to you.

What if, along comes someone, who can accomplish all those criteria better than your current romantic interest? What if, your current romantic interest, starts to quit doing those things? I know this one is a bit far-fetched, but what if, that person you've been in love with, is someone who has pretended to be the ideal love interest of your life because they want to get something from you?

Will you stop loving them?

"If two people are truly in love, none of those things would happen," you might say. Okay. That's true. But how do you know if the person you love, really loves you back?

"I just do."

Okay, I've no objections to that answer. But just in case, my questions have sent some doubts running through your mind...may I offer my opinion?

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away."

1 Corinthians 13 : 4-8

Quoting the most famous (I think) paragraph on love, isn't enough to explain my point.
Nevertheless, take another look at those words. To sum up this passage, it says that love is the greatest and most important virtue a human being should have; it can apply to different types of love, but let's think about it in the context of romance. Never once did it mention about love feeling good. Instead, it speaks of love as an act of faith, trust, selflessness... That last sentence gives a small hint that love is deaf, dumb and blind, if I interpret it in my own way.

Is the love that we have just a temporary satisfaction to our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual needs? Or is it something, more solid than that? How do we make sure it doesn't crumble under the hardest of trials? You might say that you love someone, but you can never tell how you will react when face-to-face with the biggest obstacles.

So therefore, I believe that love is a decision. Sure, those feelings are the things that first attract you to a person and lead you to this decision. But once you make that decision, it must be a decision that cannot be affected anymore by feelings, because the feelings become accessories. If you are unable to make such a decision, you may not be ready or it may be the wrong person (or he/she may not be ready yet, depends; also remember that, he/she being the wrong person for you would just mean that you are the wrong person for them as well...just saying).
There are a couple of ways I think that can help someone decide. I strongly believe that praying is the top of the list. Next, as probably most people would say, is getting to know the person as a friend. Not sure about the rest...I'm no expert.


Is someone slow, or too long a wait? Maybe they are just taking their time, to make that decision~~

***

WHY AM I SO SERIOUS? I just took all the fun out of love, didn't I? Well, this is after all, my opinion. I just wanted to encourage healthy relationships. (Because, it indirectly affects the next generation, and I want to do everything I can to prevent the next generation from living in broken homes. Hence, keep in mind that 1, your spouse should be someone who encourages you to be a better child of God and 2, attraction between man and woman aren't just meant to increase the human population, but to produce children who become righteous men and women.)

Dear mom and dad, I think you are good examples, so thank you. God bless you (I love you, but I prefer to keep these three words for special occasions so that they actually mean something).

Oh, by the way, let me know if I missed something. Thanks.

Keeping it all in

Everywhere...there are unsaid words, unvoiced thoughts, unspoken truths. (okay not everywhere, not everyone) Just look around. Look into your conversations. Do you sense that void? or is it just me.. .. .. ..

I don't understand. I wish there just could be more truth in this world. I don't get it. Does creating a happy atmosphere mean saying what sounds best all the time? I just wish...there could be more serious talk...without people getting uncomfortable and trying to end the conversation quickly. I know, privacy. Some things, can't be trusted to others. I get that. Nevertheless...I still long for that warmth of a serious conversation. It just makes you get a grasp of reality. Sure...laughter is scarce and why do you want to give a gloomy atmosphere? JUST CHILL MAN WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU. But...I can't. Not when so many things are mysteries to me. I really want to learn~

I would prefer, to laugh genuinely because I feel at ease. Having a knot in my chest all the time, isn't exactly a conducive state for laughter. I have so many unfinished things that I wish I could let out. But the time has passed and the topic has long been changed. Why are people so impatient?
(I'm impatient when I walk. I tend to step on people's heels when it's crowded and when my mind is just paralyzed with heavy thoughts. Sorry :( I'm clumsy when I multi-task. So, maybe I should slow down? I'm okay with that, but don't block the road -.- ) 
Or, rather, why are they so fast and I, so slow? Why are they so loud? Why are they so confident? I thought everyone was imperfect; why do they act as if they weren't? Why don't they flinch when they tell lies? Why don't they feel any remorse? Why do they help others to benefit themselves?

Or maybe...while other people have already settled their insecurities, I'm still hanging on to mine because I don't know who to trust?

I judge people too much? I don't really judge them...I just feel very curious why they act that way; 'giving the benefit of the doubt' sort of thing. So much so that, I forget to be a person.

It would be okay, if I could have conversations with God. But that doesn't happen to me. Maybe I'm not close to God enough. Or...maybe I'm not patient enough...

I wish I could stop time. So that, even busy people would have time to talk. I wish I could kidnap people. So that, even people with a million friends would have space to talk one on one.

In the end, every soul is alone with God when they face judgement. I think I can understand the feeling. Because, your true thoughts only reveal themselves when (you think) you are alone.

***

"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers - most of which are never ever seen - don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do His best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way He works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how He works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met."

(Matthew: chapter 6 verse 33, The Message Bible) 

Seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given onto you...... Have no worries but fully trust in God and God will provide with everything that is best for you (not necessarily your wishes, because they just might backfire).

***

Just to be clear, for the things I said, I can't be sure if things were really the way I think they were. I can't trust my own observations. It might be fogged up with jealousy, envy and my ego. In my opinion, the way I acted, thought and felt could probably be wrong in the first place. That's why I don't give advice, I may seem like I do, but I'm just sharing what I imagine I would do in that situation.

I did it again, got all negative. Sorry I'm not sorry. This is after all, just how I feel at the particular moment. 

Invisibility is attempting to not exist

Edit 13/06/2016: This was written in my mindlessness. I definitely don't support the way I'm thinking, and the language I use. But I'll just post it here although it embarrasses me. It's okay I don't mind; let me be a bad example to be avoided. 


I think, if there's something I wish for, it would be for my life to end. There's no restart button and no pause button. If you don't know how to live, what else is there to do but die?

I'm not sure how to describe it. Sometimes I wonder, did we choose to enter this world? This can't be true, but just imagine that everyone was once a soul that had no body and we had a choice of whether we wanted to enter a human body and experience the "bliss" of free will. Hypothetically, we signed up a form, agreeing to only two conditions - our memories must be wiped and God decides the parents to whom we will be born to. 

Nonsense, right? 

Existing is really an amazing experience, I'm not going to lie. Nevertheless, I sometimes say to myself, "I'll prefer having not existed in the first place than to hurt, annoy, provoke the people around me; doing more harm than good."  

***

That is the most selfish thing I've ever said, because it makes me think I'm noble. Thinking that one is righteous just because they do not intend to harm people? Bullshit. The truth is deep down I don't want to be feel the guilt, the hurt and the embarrassment. If everyday were days of perfection, I would be begging to remain alive. Hypocrite. The only reason I can't take the suffering is because I've been losing faith in God.

Come close to God, and wash all those crocodile tears away.


I'm sorry for posting a lot of negative stuff here. They weren't meant to be complaints or rants. The written word is a blessing as it allows you to get a better grasp of what you were struggling with in your thoughts. Coming back to read what I wrote helps refresh on the way I felt before and is an opportunity for me to reflect. Why display it on a blog where anyone can read? Maybe someone who feels similarly chances upon this blog, and hopefully, it may be of help...