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I've been deceiving myself my whole life.

There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death. 
(Proverbs 14:12)

We all know it's a fact that humans make choices throughout their life. So, consider these two thoughts:
The choices I make might result in a mistake, but that's okay because I can always learn from them. Yet, the choices I make most likely have permanent effects, and I can never run away from the consequences, whatever my real intentions were.

Now, most of the time, probably because I'm young and I think I have a lot of time left, I am conscious of the first sentence more than the second. Hence, the permanent effects of my mistakes have left permanent bruises on my feelings and left me fearful of mistakes. I got confused, why am I scared? Shouldn't it be normal to make mistakes, get healing and start anew? I was so wrong. There is no way to start anew, from men's perspective. For a human, what is the way out? 1. entertainment. Staying distant from real life situations, so one doesn't have to feel the guilt of one's actions. 2. Suicide. Cancel out one's entire existence, because one will do less damage if one is not around to even do it. Taking these paths of ignorance or escape would be cowardly because the problem wasn't solved. 3. Being contented with my flaws. All of them aren't going to solve anything, but probably make a larger mess.

The reason I got scared, confused, is because I forgot the second sentence. I took the word "permanent" too lightly. What happens next? I keep searching for ways to avoid the permanent bad, and only get the permanent good. Such greed and such folly. No way a human can do that. Still, blinded, I get frustrated with my incapabilities and worthlessness.

The failures will always come, and so will the feelings of hurt and disappointment that accompany them. It is impossible to be completely immune to those stuff. As determined as I was to fight my weaknesses, it was an insurmountable challenge. What then do I need? 1. a fresh start 2. resolution of my mistakes 3. freedom from the guilt 4. a greater conscience than my weak human conscience. 5. some hope to give this life more meaning  6. proof that I can believe in this hope.

If you by any chance have a similar view, I think I can give a bit of directions, because I've also received directions. A God that can give us a fresh start by forgiving us and freeing us from the guilt, who can guide us in the right way, who is always with us to prompt our actions and hence acts as a better conscience, who gives us hope by promising new life and a life after death and the pleasure of knowing Him, who gives more than enough proof of Himself and His works for those that search for it wholeheartedly, be it in creation, miracles, historical events, etc., a God like that exists.

I wouldn't say I have come to really know Him first hand, but He is definitely doing things that are visible to me as His work. I'm on my way along this confusing path of discovering where He intends me to go, but it's a path of hope albeit challenge-filled. Really not sure of where I'm going, so I guess this is where I rely on faith.

After all, I honestly could not find any hope in any other place, there is no way we can save ourselves by moral living of human standards and origin.

God saved you by his grace when you believed. 
And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. 
Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, 
so none of us can boast about it. 

Ephesians 2: 8-9

We received it only by grace

What does it mean to be blessed?


Being blessed
Means not having a single worry
Even when your circumstances
Would cause most people to shiver with dread
But trusting that things will turn out for good
As the Creator intended.

Being blessed
Means loving something, a person, an instrument, a place, anything
That gives you so much joy
Maybe that piano that is just within arm's length of you
When you just touch it and dance with it
It produces the sweetest music to your ears
Your music.

Being blessed
Means having persons who always wonder how you are doing
Who always have enough time to listen and to advice
Who are still there even when you do the worst imaginable thing
Someone who doesn't care why you messed up but what you learnt from it
Someone who fusses over you to the point of annoyance.

Being blessed
Means having something to lose,
And something to die for.

Chicken Journalist

Maybe I should be a journalist.

Because all my life I've been a good spectator. Ooo...aaa... Everyone around me does so well in what they do  and I am just so numbed by the fact I can't be as independent, faithful, responsible, amazing as them. Exceptional lack of confidence, that I do have.

Maybe that's the problem with this era. We love watching shows. More real and more drama, more fun! Snapsnapsnapsnap goes camera number 1,2,3 and 4. Ain't got nothing to do with me so I ain't gonna do nothing.

Anyway, I would really like to do something good with my God-given yet wasted life. But I'm much better at being the support, in sports as well as life. I need to be told what to do which is just ridiculous when I'm already at the end of my teens. But if that's what I am meant to do, I don't mind playing second fiddle, or being background crew. The feeling of being an assist in ball games is pretty terrific you know. Let the tall guys do the dunking.

Journalism? I don't think so...but perhaps.

Non-retractable

You know cat-claws? They can retract and extend them very conveniently, right? Tongues, are probably the opposite. They are swords that are not sheathe-able. So imagine a very, very, very sharp sword floating at around neck-height, slitting many throats as it swings around aimlessly, sometimes there's an occasional stab.

You know cracks? They can't be mended right?

So, I guess I understand why certain parents train their children to be absolutely perfect. Perfection means no cracks, no mistakes or accidents. Amazing right? It would be, if it were only possible. Sorry, but no matter how you aim for it, perfection always eludes you. Only God can be perfect. I don't mean we shouldn't aim for perfection, but we shouldn't expect it. It's okay to be very strict with ourselves and our children, but I think for others we have to be very lenient. I agree that training must be very strict, but once a mistake has been made, I see no point in getting upset over it, especially when it's not you who did it. (sorry is a password to many doors) You know those type of tinted windows that allow light out but no light in? (Actually I'm not sure if that is correct. You can see out but you can't see in. You can see because light enters your eyes. But yet less light is coming in..Maybe more light is reflected on the thing outside and then reflected to ur eyes even though very little. And less light enters and reflects on the things inside hence less light travels to eyes on the outside..) I digress. Anyway, imagine the light is anger. More light should shine on us then others. So, figuratively speaking, we are standing on the outside of the glass and other people are on the inside darker side of the glass.

I'm sorry if my ideas aren't making sense.

Anyway, it's cool to know that there are things you can never erase. It's fair because it applies for good and bad things. On the other hand there are those people with selective memories...

Good memory is important. Who knows the amount of promises people forget each day?

I'm pretty sure I've gotten worse at writing. I've been having a hard time trying to put some thoughts into words. Maybe it is because this time it was something more personal than usual. So, I'll let the psalmist do the writing for me..

be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress;

my eyes grow weak with sorrow,

my soul and body with grief.

my life is consumed by anguish

and my years by groaning;

my strength fails because of my affliction,

and my bones grow weak.

Is it possible to be as sad as the psalmist? I guess it wasn't only simple sadness, it was depression - confusion, fear and hopelessness together.

but I trust in you, O Lord;
I say, "You are my God."

my times are in your hands;
deliver me from my enemies
and from those who pursue me.

let your face shine on your servant; 
save me in you unfailing love

Is it possible to have faith like that of the psalmist? In such situations?

Be strong and take heart,
all you who hope in the Lord

Verses taken from Psalms 31.
The way to deal with fear, depression, hopelessness, is to accept that we are afraid, we are depressed, and we feel hopeless. After accepting the truth, we then can learn to depend on God. No one can pull themselves out of a sink-hole by their own strength. I know I've said it really simply, although it isn't that easy and straightforward. Honestly, I'm not really sure myself.
I just read a Walter Trobisch book (Love Yourself), hence the topic.

Depression is also a step to finding what we live for.