Thank you

Thank you for helping me realise that the need for me to grow up has never been greater than now.

This matter is so distracting for me to the point that I have to let it out now so that I can concentrate on my last-minute studying. Got an end-of-block exam in two days. I know I said I won't do well this block, but I think that's just pathetic. I want to do well and I want to burn my brain to get that. I'm sorry I made it look like I had given up. What is the use of faith if I don't use it?

Thank you for giving me back my spirit. Please be patient with me. I really want to improve. I won't blame anyone else anymore. Doesn't matter what kind of childhood I had, I am responsible for everything I do from now on. I am a wimp and a coward. But I don't want to be like that anymore.

I'm sorry I let you down, always being indecisive, shy, depressed. That's not from God and I really don't want to be a part of it. God help me please, I want to be an inspiration and encouragement, not an object of sympathy.

This is my prayer and commitment.

What happened?

Something's definitely different. 

Where did that version of me go? The version of me who always believed that if at least someone could do it, I could do it? The version of me who got more determined the more I failed? What happened to the boy who had infinite energy and spirit? 

Come back, please.

...yo~

If you just met me you probably might think I'm stuck up, boring and unenthusiastic about everything. That's right. I have no emotions towards almost anything in life because it is all dull to me, except for the things I treasure. But I do see all people as humans and I will treat you the same as I treat anyone. I am harshly fair and very unbiased, because I almost totally don't care about being anyone's favourite friend.

Looking from a different perspective, that's exactly what I care about. I care for the unamusing, the dull, the invisible, and the ignored. So if someone said a dry joke in class and you heard a stifled laugh from the back, that might be me. Welcome to my world. But when it comes to sports, knowledge and loyalty, I take these very seriously. But I guess results don't matter to me because I didn't care when I failed my chem or didn't get straight As in  A levels.

If you are a person who is like me, I probably wouldn't have approach you, but you can be sure I noticed you and I like your introvert personality. Cheers. If you screwed up huge, I like that, not that you screwed up but that you are in the same boat as me, I screw things up too. If you have confidence problems, high five. If you are a nerd, hi. If you are timid and shy, yo. If you are awkward, nice to meet you. If you talk slowly because you want to mean every word you say, I like you. If you hate the spotlight and just wanna be invisible, I noticed and I smiled inside. But I admire those that, although having this personality, are able to change their personality to become so charismatic and exciting when the situation calls for it, and I strife to be like that. It takes a lot of my energy though and I need to go back to my bubble and recharge... I noticed all your bubbles, but I'll keep that knowledge to myself.

I've nothing against the loud ones or the cool kids, I just can't be like you, so if you think I'm arrogant, I don't mind and I don't have the energy to explain it to you anyway.

Nice and clean first day

No I didn't attend the rally. I drove my dad to the train station so yaaa- chokes*

I appreciate the spirit my elders have for the next generation. I know I should not be silent, but I need to find what air I can breath in before I find my voice. I didn't fully understand to what extent this rally will help this country, but I think I realised it a little. I was wrong to think that every action we do must produce very significant results. Sorry, but now I can see that simply showing up and gathering in peace can still be enough to tug at some hearts. And even though it was just a tugging, it can produce small results that lead to the final goal. 

It's either great foresight, or just a great waste of effort-if the government still doesn't change. No, may there be no waste. For the passion of the innocent who had to bear unfair punishment and embarrassment, we can't let anything go to waste. And of course it won't. Maybe you may think this is a gamble, where the odds aren't in your favour but you still know you are doing the right thing. But it's not a gamble, if you have God on your side, it's a sure win.

I hope hatred against individuals is not what spurs you, but love for this nation. That's why we pray not only for change, but for forgiveness and acceptance. It is never too late to turn around, even for the most evil of men.

I saw papa's face when he returned, and he was proud of the time he spent. Thumbs up to everyone who joined.  

Anyway, thank God everything went peacefully today. 

   

Don't read this if your life is complicated enough

What do you see when you observe someone's actions? His reasons or motives, his emotions or attitude, or his next move?

There's nothing to the above question. I am just curious. No, I haven't read any philosophical book again, or watched weird shows. I just over-think stuff. In sports or games, I have learnt that guessing future moves, and planning moves is extremely important. Knowing the mental and physical state of the opponent also puts you at an advantage. Anyway, in sports, you know you make your decisions based on knowing the odds, your abilities, and your opponents strengths or weaknesses. But, it isn't really the same in life right? Exploiting people's weaknesses to get what you want definitely isn't right to begin with.

I was thinking of free-will. Humans have the freedom to make their own choices in life. But what affects those choices? Our personality? Our memories? Rationality? The Holy Spirit? I'm a bit hesitant to venture too far in thinking about the definition of free will. Maybe 'free will' is a bad term for it, maybe it should be 'voluntary decision-making'. Because if 'free will' is doing something without being affected by anything, then what do we base our decisions on? When I make a decision, aren't I affected by my personality, the kind of upbringing I have, the circumstances that I am in and the conscience I have? So, when one is born, does one already have a personality? So, if we do, how do we attain that personality? God gives us a soul and spirit and body, so the personality must be given by Him too, right?

I do have some difficulty in coming to terms with my past, which is may or may not be silly, because I'm not even close to being 40. Still, it makes one feel kinda lousy, when you know you are eccentric and you try not to be but end up being weird without realising it until later. On the other hand, I just might have an eccentric way of looking back at things, probably exaggerating events in my head. Is it a desperate attempt at seeking attention? Anyway, I was a jerk many times so really sorry to everyone I hurt before. Thank God, I'm slowly improving.

Everyone makes bad choices. I do bad things before I can stop myself. The evil I do, comes from the human nature within me, fuelled by emotions I don't keep in check, and a stimuli that triggers my emotions. Everyone was a human and sinful nature within them, so nothing I can do about that. The part we work on, is our controlling part right? Consistent communion with God (which I still struggle with), healthy and encouraging companionship, I can only think of these two as the best.

Finally, I've built this circuit of thoughts to bring you to what I'm confused with right now:
Did I get all these negative emotions, habits, desires, from the people around me or am I born with them? I believe it is both right? Then if that is true, how does the fault lie in me? I don't know how I did all these wrongs, for I was born with the intent and affected by my environment. I'm not sure how that can be counted as free will..

Hence, I think I understand a little now. It isn't about fault, as long as we committed sin, it is in us, but that does not mean we are to be blamed. That is why you hate the sin and not the sinner. Furthermore, I understand that it is impossible to be sinless by our own abilities and efforts. It's not even an option. Can you see how a person can totally be without sin? No right. I mean, we sinned even before we realised that we understood what sin was, so we can't stop ourselves from sinning, and we can't redeem our own sins. Those who have sinned won't be able to come into God's presence not because He rejects us, but He rejects the sin in us. Imagine sin is the deadly disease, we are the body, and God is life. The body will struggle to keep the disease out, but once it takes over, the body can't hold on to life any more. So, Jesus is the center of it all. He is the only one that can atone for our sins, so we may be saved from this path leading to a meaningless end. Don't you think so? There may be ways of living, or arts of meditation, that may help us reduce the sin we commit, but we still are tainted with the guilt of our past. So when someone tells you that you are sinful, although it sounds blunt, that is not an insult. It is the same as telling someone that one day they are going to die. Uncomfortable, but it's true.

I have understood this kinda late, I know. Probably missed out on this understanding due to lack of reading? Distractions maybe, but then I am always late for everything.

If you have read until here, wow. I salute your patience and interest in this kind of topic. It feels good to know one isn't alone.

~

I've been deceiving myself my whole life.

There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death. 
(Proverbs 14:12)

We all know it's a fact that humans make choices throughout their life. So, consider these two thoughts:
The choices I make might result in a mistake, but that's okay because I can always learn from them. Yet, the choices I make most likely have permanent effects, and I can never run away from the consequences, whatever my real intentions were.

Now, most of the time, probably because I'm young and I think I have a lot of time left, I am conscious of the first sentence more than the second. Hence, the permanent effects of my mistakes have left permanent bruises on my feelings and left me fearful of mistakes. I got confused, why am I scared? Shouldn't it be normal to make mistakes, get healing and start anew? I was so wrong. There is no way to start anew, from men's perspective. For a human, what is the way out? 1. entertainment. Staying distant from real life situations, so one doesn't have to feel the guilt of one's actions. 2. Suicide. Cancel out one's entire existence, because one will do less damage if one is not around to even do it. Taking these paths of ignorance or escape would be cowardly because the problem wasn't solved. 3. Being contented with my flaws. All of them aren't going to solve anything, but probably make a larger mess.

The reason I got scared, confused, is because I forgot the second sentence. I took the word "permanent" too lightly. What happens next? I keep searching for ways to avoid the permanent bad, and only get the permanent good. Such greed and such folly. No way a human can do that. Still, blinded, I get frustrated with my incapabilities and worthlessness.

The failures will always come, and so will the feelings of hurt and disappointment that accompany them. It is impossible to be completely immune to those stuff. As determined as I was to fight my weaknesses, it was an insurmountable challenge. What then do I need? 1. a fresh start 2. resolution of my mistakes 3. freedom from the guilt 4. a greater conscience than my weak human conscience. 5. some hope to give this life more meaning  6. proof that I can believe in this hope.

If you by any chance have a similar view, I think I can give a bit of directions, because I've also received directions. A God that can give us a fresh start by forgiving us and freeing us from the guilt, who can guide us in the right way, who is always with us to prompt our actions and hence acts as a better conscience, who gives us hope by promising new life and a life after death and the pleasure of knowing Him, who gives more than enough proof of Himself and His works for those that search for it wholeheartedly, be it in creation, miracles, historical events, etc., a God like that exists.

I wouldn't say I have come to really know Him first hand, but He is definitely doing things that are visible to me as His work. I'm on my way along this confusing path of discovering where He intends me to go, but it's a path of hope albeit challenge-filled. Really not sure of where I'm going, so I guess this is where I rely on faith.

After all, I honestly could not find any hope in any other place, there is no way we can save ourselves by moral living of human standards and origin.

God saved you by his grace when you believed. 
And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. 
Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, 
so none of us can boast about it. 

Ephesians 2: 8-9

We received it only by grace

What does it mean to be blessed?


Being blessed
Means not having a single worry
Even when your circumstances
Would cause most people to shiver with dread
But trusting that things will turn out for good
As the Creator intended.

Being blessed
Means loving something, a person, an instrument, a place, anything
That gives you so much joy
Maybe that piano that is just within arm's length of you
When you just touch it and dance with it
It produces the sweetest music to your ears
Your music.

Being blessed
Means having persons who always wonder how you are doing
Who always have enough time to listen and to advice
Who are still there even when you do the worst imaginable thing
Someone who doesn't care why you messed up but what you learnt from it
Someone who fusses over you to the point of annoyance.

Being blessed
Means having something to lose,
And something to die for.

Chicken Journalist

Maybe I should be a journalist.

Because all my life I've been a good spectator. Ooo...aaa... Everyone around me does so well in what they do  and I am just so numbed by the fact I can't be as independent, faithful, responsible, amazing as them. Exceptional lack of confidence, that I do have.

Maybe that's the problem with this era. We love watching shows. More real and more drama, more fun! Snapsnapsnapsnap goes camera number 1,2,3 and 4. Ain't got nothing to do with me so I ain't gonna do nothing.

Anyway, I would really like to do something good with my God-given yet wasted life. But I'm much better at being the support, in sports as well as life. I need to be told what to do which is just ridiculous when I'm already at the end of my teens. But if that's what I am meant to do, I don't mind playing second fiddle, or being background crew. The feeling of being an assist in ball games is pretty terrific you know. Let the tall guys do the dunking.

Journalism? I don't think so...but perhaps.

Non-retractable

You know cat-claws? They can retract and extend them very conveniently, right? Tongues, are probably the opposite. They are swords that are not sheathe-able. So imagine a very, very, very sharp sword floating at around neck-height, slitting many throats as it swings around aimlessly, sometimes there's an occasional stab.

You know cracks? They can't be mended right?

So, I guess I understand why certain parents train their children to be absolutely perfect. Perfection means no cracks, no mistakes or accidents. Amazing right? It would be, if it were only possible. Sorry, but no matter how you aim for it, perfection always eludes you. Only God can be perfect. I don't mean we shouldn't aim for perfection, but we shouldn't expect it. It's okay to be very strict with ourselves and our children, but I think for others we have to be very lenient. I agree that training must be very strict, but once a mistake has been made, I see no point in getting upset over it, especially when it's not you who did it. (sorry is a password to many doors) You know those type of tinted windows that allow light out but no light in? (Actually I'm not sure if that is correct. You can see out but you can't see in. You can see because light enters your eyes. But yet less light is coming in..Maybe more light is reflected on the thing outside and then reflected to ur eyes even though very little. And less light enters and reflects on the things inside hence less light travels to eyes on the outside..) I digress. Anyway, imagine the light is anger. More light should shine on us then others. So, figuratively speaking, we are standing on the outside of the glass and other people are on the inside darker side of the glass.

I'm sorry if my ideas aren't making sense.

Anyway, it's cool to know that there are things you can never erase. It's fair because it applies for good and bad things. On the other hand there are those people with selective memories...

Good memory is important. Who knows the amount of promises people forget each day?

I'm pretty sure I've gotten worse at writing. I've been having a hard time trying to put some thoughts into words. Maybe it is because this time it was something more personal than usual. So, I'll let the psalmist do the writing for me..

be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress;

my eyes grow weak with sorrow,

my soul and body with grief.

my life is consumed by anguish

and my years by groaning;

my strength fails because of my affliction,

and my bones grow weak.

Is it possible to be as sad as the psalmist? I guess it wasn't only simple sadness, it was depression - confusion, fear and hopelessness together.

but I trust in you, O Lord;
I say, "You are my God."

my times are in your hands;
deliver me from my enemies
and from those who pursue me.

let your face shine on your servant; 
save me in you unfailing love

Is it possible to have faith like that of the psalmist? In such situations?

Be strong and take heart,
all you who hope in the Lord

Verses taken from Psalms 31.
The way to deal with fear, depression, hopelessness, is to accept that we are afraid, we are depressed, and we feel hopeless. After accepting the truth, we then can learn to depend on God. No one can pull themselves out of a sink-hole by their own strength. I know I've said it really simply, although it isn't that easy and straightforward. Honestly, I'm not really sure myself.
I just read a Walter Trobisch book (Love Yourself), hence the topic.

Depression is also a step to finding what we live for.

in between

everyone talks about achievements and failures, new chapters and new beginnings. nobody talks about what happens in the process. I guess these things should remain personal eh? or do they just seem relatively unimportant?

in betweens suck. deciding which one of two paths to take, in the midst of recovery from a tragedy, the moment when you just run out of things to say, waiting for a reply or a sign or news or results or morning to come..., that part when you are middle of writing something and suddenly your mind goes blank, an hour left to go in an examination....

so yeah i am stuck in this middleofnowhereland wondering what to do and daydreaming my life away. Not really, I am filling my day with as much useful and fun things to do but there's still the burning question of what to do in the future. "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things (daily necessities) will be provided for you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6:33-34) At least I still have God to tell my worries to if I don't have anyone else.

Maybe you are interested in what I'm doing. I'm working with my dad doing data entry for his accounting firm, so blessed to get an office job so easily while my friends have to apply and wait for interviews. sorry no more place in the office btw. I might be going to volunteer at a hospital just to get exposure just in case I decided to accept my offer to imu to do medicine. If I accept I will be going in feb next year. next year is 2016 wow, I am afraid and nervous. anyway, to anyone in the same situation as me, where you feel you are being left behind while everyone is moving forward, hope can be found in the weirdest places. I am not making sense am I.

Dividing paths and defining paths.

I feel like I'm in a huge huge maze. So many possible dead ends, so many possible answers so many doors to open. And a couple of cliffs I have to jump off.

College ends. It was so subtle, and only now am I starting to feel it really sink in. After the coming trip to penang, and maybe a few more trips to kelana jaya, I'm pretty sure I'll be super emo.

Even my interview at IMU that I was suppose to get some answers from proved to be rather disastrous. I think, no, I'm pretty sure that I screwed up big. Screwed a hole in my image and then squashed a nut in there. I went in calm and confident, I was thinking, I am already not sure about anything so I most likely have nothing to lose.Wrong. Okay, it wasn't horrendous, I was able to deliver nicely and clearly. I am pretty sure I made them think that I was sure on following the medical line. But I'm not sure if they had faith in my potential and dedication. I totally misinterpreted the EQ question they gave. They asked "if I was a lecturer and if my students did well in their examination and then parents and students wanted to buy an expensive reward for me, would I receive the gift and why". I didn't think "expensive was a keyword". And I didn't answer what they wanted. I was trying to be honest, really putting myself in the lecturer's shoes, and how I would actually respond. So much for honesty. Get rekt la. I said I would take the gift. Number one mistake. I said that I didn't want to waste the students' efforts in buying the gift. They asked what if people thought badly of me, that I was accepting a bribe. I totally wasted breath explaining that I wasn't accepting bribe, they already got their results and I would still treat them equally, that I don't want them to feel bad by not accepting the gift. Mistake number two. I should have just blurted out something like you can't please everybody. Fits the medical profession, fits real life, it's legit. Simple. Nope, I didn't think of it because I blanked out. sigh.

Well, other than that, I am pretty happy about how events have been unfolding around me. I think I am going to get answers soon. I just need to push myself a little more to pray more, read more, look out more....

Anyway, I really pray for my friends that they will do well too. I know that I don't mention stuff like how much I appreciate you guys and I am very blunt and straightforward sometimes because I was tired of sugar coating my words, but I'm sorry and regret those moments of too much honesty. Thanks, friends. Honestly, people have taught me a lot. Speaking of friends, thank God for family too. So yeah, my everyday life is just learning always from the people around me.

haih, fun fact, I dunno what to write. Even though I know I am getting boring, I really dunno what else to write.

From the anime Shigatsu wa Kimi no Uso.

One lie can do so much sia.

I'm curious, why doesn't Arima want to play Ravel?

Turn the page

Recently the author has been posting some negative stuff huh. Tut tut tut tut.

On a lighter note, let's talk about studying lolololol.  Well I am in the library right now and I just thought that taking a break from my studying would be fun heh heh...heh heh heh heh. Sorry for being so easily distracted.

Studying isn't boring. Just gonna put this fact out first. I think it isn't if you
1. Know why you are learning whatever you are studying
2. Know what the textbook is talking about
3. Been blessed with a textbook that displays the facts systematically and simply.
4. Are not studying quantum physics or university level maths or the theory of understanding women
5. Are not sleepy
6. Have some motivation eg. Dinner is coming soon

Studying is relatively boring to other things but by itself it isn't.

Why do I feel like everyone knows this and I'm the naive one who has just realized this. Okay I give up.

All of you have probably stopped reading by now okayokayokayokay.

That wasn't even the main point. I'm just curious why... why A levels does not let you find fun in studying. Why lecturer notes tak ada connect wan? Why la? I have to give up on your nota ringkas and cari textbook. Nande?

Thank you Cambridge... At least the textbook is good. But I don't have any more time to finish both textbook reading and past year revision.

Anyway, if you are going to write notes for your students...I really appreciate your efforts. Please do remember to warn them if your notes have a tendency to confuse people. I thank you warmly with coffee and cookies also. Don't like coffee give you milk.

However, the application chapters of a levels I have nothing to say because if they give the background info on those it would be even more confusing. So I'll just swallow the information just the way it is given.

All the best a level students. Praying for you all. Kekekeke

What happenes when u care

Reunions. Oh, we're gonna organize one. Oh, sure I'll be there. Oh, you organize la. Oh, sorry cannot make it. Some don't even answer when you try to contact them. Its not like your phone has a tendency to delete history of missed calls and messages by itself. Use online messengers? Double green ticks. Last seen-ed.

Sometimes people give you a feeling like they want to meet up, but they don't want to meet you. Just kidding, they're probably too busy.

Gatherings. Or functions. Hi. Hi. Oh you just graduated. Oh.
They try to meet everybody but don't actually care what the persons doing. Nah, they actually have a lot of questions to ask you but they just dunno how to put it in a non-confrontational way.

Nobody talks to the quiet person. Yeah true its their own fault. Who asked them to be so distant from others. But when they build up enough courage to do a favour for you, or organize something...
Nope they just get rekt because after that you still treat them the same as before. Or worse, you didn't notice what they did.
No point caring right? It was all meaningless.
If you have so good people skills, could you at least spare a little encouragement for the guys who are scared of talking to people?

Gossiping sure is fun right? No no its not wrong. Only wrong when it is about you right? Yea sure sure. You don't damage them, you just damage their image. So it's less harsh, you say? Guess what? They just suicided.

Sorry about this post. It's just a rant about certain things about certain people, including me. We are such poisonous people. Who would want to save monsters like us? You know who.
Ok, i admit some were personal grievances.
Life is awesome