Invisibility is attempting to not exist

Edit 13/06/2016: This was written in my mindlessness. I definitely don't support the way I'm thinking, and the language I use. But I'll just post it here although it embarrasses me. It's okay I don't mind; let me be a bad example to be avoided. 


I think, if there's something I wish for, it would be for my life to end. There's no restart button and no pause button. If you don't know how to live, what else is there to do but die?

I'm not sure how to describe it. Sometimes I wonder, did we choose to enter this world? This can't be true, but just imagine that everyone was once a soul that had no body and we had a choice of whether we wanted to enter a human body and experience the "bliss" of free will. Hypothetically, we signed up a form, agreeing to only two conditions - our memories must be wiped and God decides the parents to whom we will be born to. 

Nonsense, right? 

Existing is really an amazing experience, I'm not going to lie. Nevertheless, I sometimes say to myself, "I'll prefer having not existed in the first place than to hurt, annoy, provoke the people around me; doing more harm than good."  

***

That is the most selfish thing I've ever said, because it makes me think I'm noble. Thinking that one is righteous just because they do not intend to harm people? Bullshit. The truth is deep down I don't want to be feel the guilt, the hurt and the embarrassment. If everyday were days of perfection, I would be begging to remain alive. Hypocrite. The only reason I can't take the suffering is because I've been losing faith in God.

Come close to God, and wash all those crocodile tears away.


I'm sorry for posting a lot of negative stuff here. They weren't meant to be complaints or rants. The written word is a blessing as it allows you to get a better grasp of what you were struggling with in your thoughts. Coming back to read what I wrote helps refresh on the way I felt before and is an opportunity for me to reflect. Why display it on a blog where anyone can read? Maybe someone who feels similarly chances upon this blog, and hopefully, it may be of help...