What are thoughts shared if nobody reads them? Thoughts that won't be judged.
I have too many fears, and I want to end it all, and imagine it as an endless night.
Life is but a meaningless strut and act in the scene of eternity. (Yes I just unironically referenced Life's Brief Candle)
Well. Fuck it. I hate people. I hate myself and the Alvan that started this blog is a stranger to me. A person from a different life. Metaphorically, mentally and emotionally (what am I even saying lol). He makes me cringe.
Goodnight, goodnight. Sleep forever. Forgotten. Unforgiven. Irrelevant.
I love the dark more than the light. The peace of death. The sweet release. The blissful ignorance.
The fear of missing out has controlled my choices for far too long. I say, I'm a hypocrite, while continuing to be a hypocrite. Illogically trying to be logical. What a walking fool I am.
Just writing, and letting the thoughts just flow. Without limit, without fear. I don't want to worry what someone else will think. Will they be swayed in anyway?
Others may write to impact someone. I write, no, I live, in the fear that I will negatively impact someone. All my actions are as neutral as possible.
I suppose it is a skill, in a pitiful and pathetic sense. I just want to be as invisible as possible.
Why try to be excellent, when I just can't handle it. You will think I'm a horrible person when I suddenly lose control when the burden of maintaining the facade becomes too much.
Alas, I've written too much. I've spilt my secrets. And you may either read and feel something, but I ask you, to just go on with your life and forget me and this meaningless overdramatic monologue.
Maybe you'll hear me again, if I ever get started on my imaginary songwriting career.
But for now, I keep my voice to myself.
Honestly feel like the only "old friend" that would reach out to me would be the one that wants to sell insurance or MLM. Good for you, you have the balls to throw away your friendships for personal gain. I mean, it's not wrong right. Go ahead and prosper. Be happy. Cherish it.
I am bitter, but I deserve it. Who cares what kind of upbringing I had. I am an asshole through and through.
Oh.
I'm going on and on.
Should I even post this?
My attention-seeking side says yes. My fear of social interaction says no.
So if you've read all of this. Just pretend as though you've never read this. It is my open secret.
And if you're thinking of chatting, find me on insta I guess alvan_kyk (follow for more pathetic shit) and say hi. I will reply typically within 24 hours (wow so cool give big duration so can think of what to say after seeing the message) like honestly I know nobody will so why do I give a flying fuck. Yea go ahead and sell me insurance, amway, atomy, public mutual or whatever pyramid scheme, scam or shit. I'll at least listen so hey who knows maybe you can brainwash me and hypnotize me into buying. i mean a "hi, what's your new blog link" would be cool but i'm not gonna tell you what to do. i mean saying "fuck off loser" will bring a smile to my face cuz I know you're referencing this post and insulting me at the same time. hell yeah i'm done what a way to end the last post of my first blog.
But honestly, I'm doing alright. Writing helps me think, Typing is therapeutic, and revisiting a place where I can be myself makes me feel better. Go ahead and judge me, we'll be dead in a few decades anyway.
(wow reminding someone of their mortality to exert dominance, well played, 200 IQ)
Momento Mori (oh let me just add a cool edgy final parting message meaning inevitability of death, amazing.)
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