I'm so blessed

I tend to wallow in the mud of self-pity a lot, blaming the world when everything doesn't go the way I want. What a pathetic attempt to release the tension and numb the pain.

I'm so glad I never get what I want, and things never go my way. I like this 'curse' of never being able to 'win' at many things. Of course, I get frustrated, whine by myself, get angry at myself. But at least, I get to see the worst side of myself frequently. Some people don't have that opportunity. Being human is the privilege of a human.

But then again, good things also happen, just that I don't really appreciate them. Talk about being mentally-disabled.

Yes, I've been the self-centred me for a long time. Obviously because I live in this shell and see everything from inside it, it's difficult to get a perspective of how things look from a different angle. I like distracting myself from the reality because there isn't a clear path to take. There doesn't seem to be anything ahead of me, it's so much like walking in a misty swamp, only able to see 5 inches in front of you. That's the thing I've been facing for months. How is anyone suppose to anticipate what to do next? Take away sight and I can't play any sports anymore, same goes for foresight and living.

So, I am suppose to rely on faith? What am I suppose to do? There's no answer at all! I get so frustrated. And it affects my studies. It's difficult to have any passion for your studies when you don't know what to do in the future. Yes, half of the time, it's also the lazy me making excuses.

So, if I'm able to write a post about these confusions, I must have already found a hint of an answer. Basically, it's the same answer, reading God's Word and praying consistently, just to stay connected to God, so that my conscience is always functioning. We are His creations after all. Hopefully, I get that first step right.